Over Before It Started

I went to a Christmas party and met a nice guy. Rather quiet but funny, tallish and built like a horse. Oh and did I mention he looks the spitting image of White House spokesman Robert Gibbs? Not terribly attractive [or at all] but we're just playing, nothing serious. We'll call him Robert, just to be fun.
Robert lives in Ogden. Robert is unemployed. That's two strikes so I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. Robert calls and wants to take me to dinner Monday night, but I can't because I'm going to FHE (walking around temple square in 19 degree weather), I suggest lunch. We go to Jason's Deli for soup, chat and have an all-around nice time. Drops me off at work.

Not 3 hours later I get a text asking to do lunch again tomorrow. Sure I say, I'm always up for a luncheon, I get rather lonesome in my office. Expecting to have to pay for lunch I am surprised when he whips out his card again to pay for lunch. Ah yes, he just picked up his unemployment check so he's in the money. We sit down at our table and I think to myself "Self, isn't that the same shirt he wore yesterday? Naw, I'm sure it must be a similar style but not the exact shirt. He's almost 30, grown ups don't do that anymore." Again I am dropped off to my work.

Here's when it starts getting strange [but tell me you weren't speed reading to get to this part]. This morning I get a call from Robert. Now Robert, being unemployed and loving it, doesn't wake before 10:30 or 11am most days. How did he call me at 7:45? When I call back at 11:45am I've woken him from sleep. I say how surprised I was to see he had called so early.

"I was just getting back."
Back from where, I think. "Oh, late night?" I ask, with slight jealousy. I don't want him, he's ugly but I still don't want a hussy moving in on my lunch-date sugar daddy.
"Yeah, but I didn't have fun. Can I take you to lunch today?"
I think to myself: 1. if you didn't have fun, why stay out until almost 8am doing it? 2. what can you even be doing at 4 or 5 or 6am in Ogden anyway and 3. where can I make him take me to lunch.

I agree and we go to Fazzoli's. It's freezing so we leave our coats on. About half way through and I kid you not, he took off his coat and there was the shirt. I stare in disbelief. I get a squint in my eye and say, "Can I ask you something?" He knows what I'm about to ask. He looks down, hopefully in shame but you never can tell about boys. Before I can finish my question he says over our breadsticks and spaghetti, "you want to know if this is the same shirt I wore for the last two days". "It's been three days" I correct him.

Then to my shock and horror he admits it. He had a late night and didn't have time to change. I remark that it doesn't take more than 3 minutes to put on a new shirt. Then I feel sick to my stomach. Wait a second... if you haven't changed your shirt in 3 days then you haven't changed your underwear or showered... IN THREE DAYS!!!

I seriously almost vomit. We leave immediately. He thinks I'm overreacting. I say "do NOT call me again, even if you do develop better personal hygiene practices. You are SO not worth it" and stalked to my office where I will continue to shudder off and on for the next 2 hours.