Thanksgiving - Part "Doo-ay"

Alex and I have been dating 9 months. It's a fairly long time for the 25+ age group in the LDS world. If we were at BYU we'd be engage, married, and perhaps a bun in the oven already.

When we first started getting serious I told him I wanted to date him a while so I could see him in all aspects and situations. I wanted to see him ticked off at me, how he is around his family, etc. And bless his little Beacham heart, he agreed to it.

He knew fairly quickly that he wanted to be with me; I mean within a few months. I think the last 6-8 months have been a little tiring for him, a lot of waiting. But I think I'm worth the wait. And honestly, who wouldn't want me?! I am seriously hilarious! And I have a great rack. And long pretty hair. And... I have a Prius! Also too, I am very good at multitasking, conducting music, organizing, and typing without looking at the screen or my fingers [those are some non-physical attributes per Janene's request]

Thanksgiving came around and down we went to St. George as described in the previous post. We participated in a devotional, an endowment session, and sealing ceremony for some ancestors. Everyone else left except Alex and me; we wanted to sit in the Celestial Room.

As we sat there, my mind was bouncing all over the walls of my head. Think SUPER bouncy ball shot out of a cannon. How my eyeballs stayed in their sockets I'm not quite sure. We sat for a while, me thinking "Brain, knock that off I'm trying to ponder". But the brain was cowering in a corner.

I opened my eyes to see Alex looking longingly into my eyes. We start sharing how we felt about the experience. I had cried several times in the last 2-3 hours. I shared everything with him. I saw him perk up.

"Does that mean you're ready?" he asked hopefully.

I sat for a long moment to ponder. "No, it doesn't mean I'm ready. All those feelings did not make me feel like marrying you is right. It was just a spiritual evening." Can you believe I said that?! Talk about an accidental shut down. eek. He kindly offered to let me stay longer while he went home with our ride and bring a car back to get me. I watched the man I love walk out the Celestial Room door and immediately turned on myself.

"Look here Beck. You have been praying and asking for an answer that marrying Alex is right. You have felt the Spirit so strongly this evening. You are in the Temple! You CAN get an answer. You can receive personal revelation."

**Side note: I had been asking for months if marrying Alex is right. The Doctrine and Covenants tell you to study it out in your mind right? So I thought about it long and hard, tried to see him and us as a third party. Analyze everything. I determined it was a good thing. I had been taking it to the Lord ever since.

**Side note to the side note: I wanted to marry him. I love him dearly. We have a fantastic time. I have spent all day with him and still don't want to go home at night. He's my best friend (no offense Chels).

Here's the problem with me. I want to get married. I'd like to marry Alex but I was paralyzed. My mom put my situation best in the following analogy:

The Idiot took me skydiving. I watched him pack my parachute and backpack. He said let's go with a gallant smile. I went with stars in my eyes. I jumped out of the plane and my chute didn't open until right before I hit the ground. I was broken and really beat up.

Now wonderful Alex has come and is asking me to go skydiving with him. I like the idea of it. I watch him pack my parachute. I believe he's done everything right. I see nothing wrong with the chute. I nervously clutch his hand tightly. I get in the plane but I could not jump. Paralyzed. The desire is there but I can't take that final step out the plane.

Notes on the Issue: I didn't trust myself to make another life altering choice. I feared the future and the unknown like some people fear the clap. I knew the only one who would know the future and know if I'd be ok is Heavenly Father. I needed a very clear answer from heaven. Something that I couldn't excuse away. "I thought that thought, I dreamed that dream"

Back to the Celestial Room. I sat there pumping myself up. I cleared my thoughts. I sat very still. I began my usual prayer. "Heavenly Father..." *tears* "I believe marrying Alex is right. I can't see the future and I won't make a move until you say go" *full on gushing now* "Is marrying Alex the right thing for me to do?"

I kid you not. I started vibrating. Not a physical shaking or quaking. Indiscernible vibrations. I felt like my chi was at least 6 inches off me, pulsing. It was incredible. I felt like if I opened my eyes and looked across the room at the mirror opposite I would see something only heard of in the Book of Mormon or Bible.

I sat for several seconds and thought "whoa. that's new". I tried it again to see if I could duplicate the feeling. Nope. But I felt like I had asthma for the last while and I could breathe again.

As I walked out of the women's locker room he later told me that even though my eyes red and puffy from a lot of crying I was glowing. Isn't he sweet. He's always been good a reading me, seeing my light.

People, I had a miracle occur to me. ME! And it was HUGE! I later told Alex who commented, "Babe you were shook by God". The moral of the story: Every single person can receive personal revelation. Totally.

And no, Alex probably won't pop the question until the year is up. That's what we agreed to. Isn't that so sweet. He is such a doll.