So I got this email from Adam and for some reason was so upset that I locked myself in the bathroom for a good 30 minutes this morning at work crying. All morning I've been trying to figure out what my problem is and why this was so upsetting to me. Thoughts so far:
The fact that he admits to drinking or that he alludes to doing more?
The fact that it takes me leaving for him to get himself in the direction of the right and he wouldn't do that when I asked him as his wife?
Or maybe it's because I'm awful lonesome and the only person I'd like a hug from is the one that has hurt me the most?
In any case, I really need some help working through this.
Becka,
We'll It's 3 in the AM and I cannot sleep. I thought I would respond to your email, as I have been thinking about you and its been keeping me up. I guess there are just a few things on my mind that I feel like I need to share with you. My intentions are purely to share some feelings I've been having. I feel like you need to know them.
I have been doing A LOT of thinking about us. Lots of my thoughts involve missing you, and wishing you were here. I try not to let that cloud my thoughts of what's best for both of us. Since I began having doubts about my "doubts of the church", I feel different. I didn't actually make it out to conference, but since I have Dish, I somehow get KBYU. So I TiVo'ed the Sunday sessions of conference. I've watched most of them, but not all yet. It was interesting. I felt something I haven't in awhile and that made me think about something Bishop Lambson said when we went in October for our interview. He said something to the effect of: "You'll notice something is missing. Maybe not right away, but you will notice its gone." I'm pretty sure he's talking about the spirit. And I think this past weekend, when I watched conference, I felt that spirit for the first time in a very long time. I started thinking about my doubts and about what the BOM and the church teaches.
How can I deny the spirit? I don't think I can think my way out of that. I am smart enough (I hope) to understand there are different ways to think about things. Spiritual, intellectual, logical, etc. I've been using only two of the three. I am not saying I believe the church is true, but I am saying that I am having serious doubts about my so-called "conviction" that its not true. I have to listen to my heart. I think often times your heart tries to tell you something. Is that the spirit? I don't know. Maybe sometimes it is, maybe sometimes it isn't. I prayed for the first time in awhile too a few weeks back. I simply asked God if I was making a mistake. I think I am, at least that's the feeling I got. I've done some pretty stupid stiff since you left. And I don't like it, and I'm not proud of it. But I want to be honest with you. You deserve that. I think the Word of Wisdon is a great idea. Alcohol only leads to misery, and I don't want to go down that path. Sure, it can be fun for a night out, but its REALLY not worth it. Trust me.
Let me say, I am not doing this to get you back. I am doing this for myself. I don't think you will believe me, but I don't feel like I need to convince you.
Soon, I plan on attending church again. I want to give it a second chance. Will I come back? I don't know. But I'd be stupid if I just dismissed it like so many who leave do. If I do, I've got some serious repenting to do.
Anyways, I wanted to share these thoughts, as they have been itching at me for some time. You're still my best friend, and I trust you with my feelings.
I would like to know what you think about them. Am I kidding myself about all this? Ugh. Life's been hard since you've been gone. You were my rock. And I screwed it up. For that I appologize. It's not my intention to hurt you with this email. I really hope I haven't I want the best for you, and that means you're happiness.
I hope you are having a good day and that life finds you well. You are a great person Becka.
Adam
Thursday, April 16, 2009
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10 comments:
Oh my Becka!! Do you know how incredible you are? Seriously. You are amazing! I can't even imagine how difficult this has been for you. No one ever said that leaving A meant that you would no longer care for him. I think that you will always care for him in some way and that is a testimony of your good nature. The emotions you felt this morning show that...
I say don't worry yourself with what he's been doing. He's the only one that can change that. But I would definitely encourage him to give the church that second chance. Encourage him to seek out the Lord and seek repentence. As hard as it is, I would try to not think about why he's doing this now and not before you left. Some people need a good kick in the pants (i.e. Alma the Younger). But don't ever think that you are not special, because you are.
Hey I'm sending you an email in a minute cause this post isn't doing justice to what I'm thinking. Give me a call if need a chat, vent, whatever... love you CW!
HOLY CRAP. Oh Becka I don't know if there is anything any of us can tell you to help. I will however say a couple of things. He may very well be doing all the things he is saying he is to get onto the right path. He needs to do the work first. We need to see that boy at church. If he is serious he will get into the bishop ASAP. I would not give him even a chance until he does these things.
We have to forgive as hard as it is sometimes. We are commanded to forgive but that doesn't mean you have to take him back. If he is serious he will continue on this path with or without you.
My heart goes out to you girl, it really does. Pray, then pray some more. Get to the temple, that is where you will get answers to these questions.
Hang in there! Keep your blog updated so we know what is going on! We love and miss you! xoxox
I can't even imagine how painful this is for you! I agree with what has already been said: pray and attend the temple. You will find comfort in the Spirit. I will pray for you! You're amazing! *hugs*
I wish I could be there to give you a hug but seeing that I can't I will pray for the Spirit to be with you. I have found through my own trials in life that I always need to remember the priesthood. You have been brought up in a home where your dad held the priesthood you need to expect that for your own. Ask your dad for a blessing, go to the temple, and listen to the still small voice. Love you.
Of course I agree with everything that has been said above. I cannot imagine what it is like to be you right now and the conflicting feelings going through you. Just know that We are praying for you. Lots of love!
Thanks ladies. I think I needed some fresh eyes looking at the situation. I'm just too close to it all to see what's really going on and what he is or isn't really saying. Love to you all!
*BIG HUGS TO YOU!*
this reminds me of some of the hard times my brother went through after his divorce. his ex-wife asked for forgiveness in her way, and wanted to be included in our family gatherings like nothing ever happened, but she didn't stop talking down the Church (she was a non-member) to their boys or stirring up bad feelings through gossip in the family.
i always felt like she stole something not just from my brother, but also from the whole family. and i think: i can forgive a thief, but i'm not going to invite them into my house again.
and i think A has done the same: he's stolen things from you that are the most pure and precious. if he asks for forgiveness, you give it when you feel you've truly forgiven him, but you don't need to let him back in your life like he was before.
you deserve to be treated like a Daughter of God, because that's what you are.
Actions speak louder than words. I have felt your pain before.
I just now read your post and noticed it was from last week. I'm sorry you were so upset. I can't imagine what you're going through and how hard it is to sort through all those feelings but I know people who have gone through similar experiences and I saw how hard it was for them. I think you're amazing :) Love you!
Hey Becka~ This is so hard for you I know! I wish that you never had to go through this. All the advice that I can give is the same as above. Remember what is right! Do what you feel is right and what you know is right. Go to the Temple and feel the peace that you need with this~ I think that you should do what is right for you at this point! Remember, if he is serious, he will do what he promised in his "letter". He has to follow through first!!!!! Absolutely!!!! I love you and you know that I will be here for you! Your friends are right, you will always care for him and you should forgive him, but as Sarah says, you don't have to take him back. If it doesn't feel right, it is probably not right......I am sorry that I don't have any advice. I love you and I know that you will do what is right~ You are in our prayers always.....
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