Why I live in UT and my husband lives in MO

So as most of you know I left Adam in November, in fact the day I was supposed to go out and get the fixins for Thanksgiving dinner. Nice huh. I left as fast as I could for the security of family. My parents just recently moved into a house in Bountiful, Utah. Geoff, Janene, and their three kids live in Farmington and my sister Debbie lives in Salt Lake. We're all about 15 minutes from each other and get together at least once a week.

Being with family has saved me. What should have been a horrific experience in my life has become almost painless and tear-free. Being in the middle of my life I couldn't see what was really going on. I was torn between two live styles. Adam being relaxed and care-free and church and what I should be doing. As I came to realize Adam wanted nothing to do with the church and even attempted to feed me awful materials and I couldn't handle it. We tried living with the pornography issues, the lies, and manipulation. But living without the church was too much.

I had been miserable for months; there wasn't a week that went by without crying. He took of his garments and was going out to bars with his pals. He started writing on this forum called "Post Mormon" and it was easy to find him and his ranting about how terrible his life has been. I was mortified to find out he claims he didn't really love me from the beginning but did in time learn to love me.

The final straw was a forum discussion he started asking what's the worst thing you did on your mission. There were confessions of kissing girls, going to movies, etc. and he writes that he was expecting something steamier and confesses going to Mexico, getting pornography, then sleeping with a sister missionary. Needless to say I was livid. I was agast. I was sick to my stomach. I printed that off and taped it to the front door with a handwritten note saying "thank you for making my choice to leave you so much easier". He says he lied. Of course he did. And he was confused why I wasn't happier to find out he didn't sleep with her. I was dumbstruck.

And after being with my parents for the last few months, my eyes have been opened to view the past 5 years of my personal spiritual decline. My mom put it best. -it's like I was in a river. Even though I was standing still, Adam was floating down stream and dragging me with him. In the 2 months I've been gone, I've seen a total change in me.

I went to a therapist for a bit because I was so distraught. He told me later, when I walked in, before I said anything, he knew this was huge and awful. My sister's boyfriend that I had never met before even said I looked like a battered woman. I thought I hid it well and perfect strangers could see it. But the last time I saw my therapist, he said I looked much better and healthier. I don't even need to go back to visit him unless I need it.

So I'm living in my parents enormous basement, waiting for 3 months to file for divorce online. Thankfully Utah is a 'no-fault' state. Since he doesn't owe on child support or anything, neither of us have fault so I'm good to go. And once that happens, I'm FREE! A huge weight will be lifted from me and I never want to hear or say the name Adam ever again.

Thanks to everyone who has emailed and called with support. I plan on this being the only post with his name in it. The rest will be about the new house, my new bedroom stuff, projects I'm working on, and boys! Oh yes, you will all be jealous.